Women equated to "bakra" on LinkedIn

Dhaka, Bangladesh

Warning... I will be RANTING BIG time!!!!!!

I have ranted about the idiocy of certain people on LinkedIn who seems to think that this professional networking tool is synonymous to a dating website or worse. Today, though this particular message that I got on my inbox really topped the limit of my tolerance and just to be sure that I am not being short fused, I circulated it to the girls in my office and asked their opinion. Everyone, including the men, were shocked and outraged.

So NO, I do not have a short fuse if that would be your excuse for shoo'ing off this post. This guy doesn't have an excuse and neither does anyone else who even condones these kind of requests. Just the fact that this guy sent it in a private message to my inbox is tantamount to solid evidence of his low IQ and understanding of what it means to be a progressive woman. No one in their right mind should send a message like this to someone like ME on a professional networking site. Not only am I least likely to help find that idiot/bakra who would answer this ad, I also wrote a very stern message back on the proper use of LinkedIn AND I am the kind of person who would speak out against idiotic things like this instead of brushing it off as another idiotic cultural practice. Sorry, culture is made by each one of us, society is made by each one of us with every single act of ours. We do not get to brush these off and pretend like they don't happen.

I am posting the message that I received with english translation on the side and then below I will tell you why I find these kind of messages so sad that they make me mad.

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Date: 3/27/2013

Subject: পাএী চাই পাএী চাই (bride wanted, bride wanted)

পাএ কেমন..........  (how is the groom)

১)পাএ এর দাদা বাড়ী নরসিংদী জিলায়। (groom's paternal grandfather is from Norsingdi district)

২)পাএ এর নানার বাড়ী নরসিংদী জিলায়। (groom's maternal grandfather is from Norsingdi district)

৩)ঢাকার স্থায়ী বাসিন্দা(মোহাম্মদপুর) ওয়ারীশ সূত্রে পাএ এর নামে ৪টি ফ্ল্যাট আছে। (groom is permanently settled in Dhaka & has inherited 4 apartments)

৪)পাএরা - ৩ভাই+১বোন (the groom has 3 brothers and 1 sister)

৫)পাএ পরিবারের ৩য় সন্তান(ভাই+ভাই+পাএ+বোন)  (the groom is the 3rd one among the siblings in the order - brother, brother, groom, sister).

৬)পাএ-বিকম(অনার্স),এমকম(একাউন্টিং) Groom has passed B.Com (Hons) and M.Com (Accounting)

৭)প্রাইভেট প্রতিষ্ঠানে কর্মরত (working in a private company)

৮)পাএ এর উচচতা-৫’-৫”,ওজন-৫৫ কেজি (groom is 5'5" in height and weights 55 kgs)

৯)পাএ-নামাযী (groom prays)

১০)পাএের গা-এর রং শ্যামলা (groom's skin color is dark brown)

১১)পাএ মিশুক এবং ভ্রমন প্রয়াসী। (groom is social and likes to travel)

১২)পাএ সাধাসিধা জীবন ধারনে অভ্যস্ত। (groom is used to the simple life)

১৩)পাএ এর জম্ম সন-১৯৮৫ (groom was born on 1985)

১৪)পাএের রক্তের গ্রুপ-+O কেমন..........  (groom has O+ blood group)

পাএী চাই। (bride wanted)

১)দাদা বাড়ী বৃহত্তর ঢাকা জিলার হলে ভাল হয়। (it would be better if her paternal grandfather hails from greater Dhaka district)

২)নানার বাড়ী বৃহত্তর ঢাকা জিলার হলে ভাল হয়। (it would be better if her maternal grandfather hails from greater Dhaka district)

৩)ঢাকার বাসিন্দা হতে হবে/হলে ভাল হয়। (should be/better if permanently settled in Dhaka)

৪)ছোট শিক্ষিত পরিবার হতে হবে। (must be from educated and small size family)

৫)পাএীকে পরিবারের ১ম সন্তান না হলে ভাল হয়। (better if she is not the eldest child of the family)

৬)পাএীকে নূন্নতম অনার্স ডিগ্রী পাশ হতে হবে। (bride must be at least graduate)

৭)চাকরীজীবি চলবে, তবে প্রয়োজনে চাকরী ছেড়ে দিতে হবে। (service holder will do, but must leave job if necessary)

৮)নূন্নতম উচচতা-৫’-২”,উচচতার সহিত শরীর এর ওজন এর ভারসাম্যতা থাকতে হবে। (bride must be at least 5'2" in height with proportionate weight)

৯)পাএীকে নামাযী (অবশ্যই ৫ ওয়াক্ত)হতে হবে। (bride must pray 5 times a day)

১০)পাএীকে ফর্সা/উজ্জল শ্যামলা হতে হবে। (bride must be fair or bright brown in skin color)

১১)পাএীকে মিশুক হতে হবে। (bride must be social)

১২)পাএীকে সাধাসিধা জীবন ধারনে অভ্যস্ত হতে হবে। (bride must be used to the simple life)

১৩)পাএীকে –পাএ থেকে নূন্নতম ৩-৫ বছর ছোট হলে ভাল হয়। (bride must be at least 3-5 years younger than the groom)

১৪)পাএীর রক্তের গ্রুপ-+O হলে চলবে না। (Bride's blood group cannot be O+)

শুধু মাএ পাএী এবং পাএীর অবিভাবকদের যোগাযোগ করতে অনুরোধ রইল। ধন্যবাদ--আনিস (only bride's and their parents/guardians are requested to contact. thank you, Anis.)

Feeling like an idiot today? Welcome to my world!

You know what gets my goat? I was extremely tempted to inquire as to whether they are looking for a bride for the groom, someone who is going to share his life with him, or are they looking to buy a cow for sacrifice? You know what we do when we look for these cows that we sacrifice every year? We decide on a budget, on the color, the size, the age, the height and then we go poke around in the cattle market. We look at the teeth, the hoofs, the condition of the skin, then we haggle with the trader on the price while pointing out faults even if we have no intention of actually buying that particular cow.

 The bride being looked for .... resembles that cow to me.

Is this good looking enough for you????

 The groom prays but the bride MUST be the 5 times a day praying type. REALLY? What is that?? guarantee of character? Cause buddy I can show you thousands of people who pray 5 times a day and then go kill, lie, steal, rape and do everything under the sun that is prohibited in ANY religion.

The groom skin color is brown but the bride must be fair or bright brown. Well if the girl has to be willing to marry someone who has darker skin color than her... then WHY does he have a problem?

While the groom himself has 3 other siblings and THAT is not a small family in size, the bride unfortunately MUST be from a small family. Dude, shouldn't family planning have started right from your own?

She cannot be the eldest child of the family. Why? Because she might have responsibilities to her parents and younger sibling? And neither he or his family is willing to put up with it?

Let me tell you, in Bangladesh, men & women, don't marry each other. It is the families that get married to each other. So once she is married to him, she'll be required to overnight become a part of the family and treat his parents as her own or better with less than half the respect, honor, love and care that will be shown to their own daughter. Is that a worthy trade? The family here is clearly unwilling to take on any additional responsibility, yet they have a list of demand from the bride already which gives quite an interesting indication of how much more they will be demanding after marriage.

The groom has passed his Masters but he's looking for a Graduate. Obviously she not only has to be younger in age (easier to control) but will also have to  be less educated than him and absolutely not career oriented. I mean c'mon, they are blatantly stating that even though a service holder will do, she has to be willing to leave the job if necessary. More control issues with obvious underlying insecurities!

This is soooooooooooooooooooo wrong in sooooooooooooooo many different levels that honestly I am at a loss for words. The saddest thing is probably that someone or the other is bound to respond to this ad/offer and I can't think of anything worse than this for the woman who is proposed as the bride.

When people pray for marriage partners, when the religious leaders advised on what to look for in marriage partners, I honestly doubt that any of the above in the checklist was part of that advice. Women pray for soul mates, for someone who will treat them well, be their soul mate, their best friend. Some one who will bring out the best in them as they will for the other. Some one to have children with and love and laugh with for the rest of their lives. And no where in this ad/post/request/offer do I see any of that.........

Answer to this prayer? I think NOT !!!!!

For me to get this ... on Linkedin ... is simply hitting the bottom in so many ways! Women being dragged back thousands of years and I have to witness it? Silently? I think not.

Meditation & realizations

 Dhaka, Bangladesh.

I do not know how to meditate, meaning, I have never taken any classes on it. But I am going to this weekend. I am taking the Butthan Meditation course for 2 days, hoping that I will see the amazing changes that everyone claims manifests in their lives immediately following a meditation course. I guess what I am hoping for is more clarity, logic and a clearer picture in my head of where I am heading and how to travel down that road.

Since I do not know how to meditate, or maybe I do. After all... what is sitting in silence? what else can I call it when I spend time in solitude, letting my thoughts run around in my head. Taking note of them without getting involved in them? I guess that's my own way of meditating. Its the way that I like to think before making any decisions. Before any major decision, I need a couple of days time to think, to cover all my bases, to look at every possible scenerios. And when the decision is bound to have a major impact on my life... I need those days of solitude more than ever. 

I had written a little about this in my post "Karma, Prayers & Others" that I was doing some thinking... that I needed to make decisions that I have been putting off for over a year. ME, the impatient pro-active person, suddenly felt like I had procrastinated on this decision for far too long already. However 2-3 days of thinking and here's what I realized: I wasn't procrastinating, I wasn't making the decision simply because I wasn't ready to make that decision yet. I needed to make the decision now because I am finally in a place in my life from where I can make this decision. 

It made me realize the importance of waiting for the right time and place in our life to make certain decisions. How often have we tried to rush in our decisions? How often have we known that we are not yet ready to commit to something and yet still gone ahead and committed? How often have you made a decision that you knew in your gut was the wrong timing or decision?

Who doesn't want a promotion at work? Everyone does! Question is... are you ready for that promotion? Have you really learnt more? contributed more to the team? do you really deserve it? are you ready to soldier the additional responsibility that will be yours with that promotion? Or are you just pushing for the promotion cause you need the money? you have stayed in your current position too long already? I see this a lot. People jockeying for higher position with neither the capacity nor the ability to grow into that position. An incapable fool is the worst possible promoted boss to work under. Trust me, I have and its not pretty. 

But this is not a rant. Its a realization. Sometimes we want things because we want them. Sometimes we force things to happen before its time for them to happen because we think thats what's suppose to happen now. But maybe, just maybe, things aren't suppose to happen. Maybe events should be given the chance to unfold on their own time, in their own way, like a flower blooming, you can't force the bud to open until it is ready to. And maybe this decision is not a year and a half late, maybe I wasn't ready before and now I am making this decision because I am ready to make it, to commit to it. I think that actually went along the lines of one of Anais Nin's quote “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

So I guess the time has come for me to lay down some roots, to bloom right where I am planted. To allow the beauty of life to unfold right here and now and to quote Anais Nin again  "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." I guess going forward, my life will be affected much more by the courage I master and not just my best laid plans.

It is not going to be easy to live in Dhaka, a single divorced woman who lives on her own and is hell bent on curving her own life. To live by my own rules, my own laws, to respect none other than my own soul. No sir, this society will not like it. But now I know that I am not going anywhere else. I am staying right here. To fight it out, not just for myself, but others who might decide to follow the path that I lay. I know that I will have many repititve and downright depressing fights with my family over my decisions to continue to have male friends, to allow them into my home and to continue to resists being married again for the sake of that sign board titled "husband". I don't need that. In fact I don't think that there is anything that a man can give me that I can't give to myself, so instead of the signboard, this is what I chose for myself:

I cannot resist sharing another one of my favorite quote of her's that I just can't get enough of now. I find the ending beautiful since it declares the absence of pain. 

The most beautiful S word

WARSAW, POLAND

Again I took part in the Manifa in Warsaw. For those who do not know what Manifa is I explain – it is an annual demonstration in Warsaw organized by the Association of Women of March 8th on which women are gathering – those who are not afraid to use a word feminist along with those who associate it only with a bunch of freaks burning their bras – to demand their rights. It was a fourteen Manifa in Warsaw and for a few years they also have been organized in other Polish cities. And they are always accompanied by men.

I went there as a feminist. And as a friend. Jumping and dancing next to my good friend from high school I was thinking of all those women who I know and who could not or did not want to come.

The first woman who could not come was my friend from Bangladesh. A woman who I fell in love with since the very first evening I spent at her house. A woman brought up in a different culture, language and religion. And a woman who understands me without words. Who lives in a world totally different from mine yet has experiences so alike my own. And finally – a woman who inspired me to tell the whole world – yes we can come from completely different places on earth but we still experience not only the same way - but also same things although our circumstances may vary.

Who did not want to come were my friends from work. Women who I love working with and talking to although it often happens that we have different points of view. Same women who on one hand say that “I need a husband and two kids so that I wouldn’t have time to think of some

Manifa” but on the other they are equally outraged when I tell them how I was treated in a construction market (“this is a shop for do-it-yourself enthusiasts and we have nothing for housewifes” - and here I need to emphasize the fact that in Polish we use genders so the word “enthusiast” was masculine).

I was thinking of my mom who lives in a different city - a strong, amazing  woman who has been always living her life in her own way and who tried to introduce me to life in such a way so that I could easily find my place in a society. She was dividing on what is male and what is female and then she was denying all this with her behavior (and for this denial I am mostly grateful).

Who also did not show up were my friends who are a couple for many years now (they would probably be married if it wasn’t for Polish law which can be interpreted as a luck of rights). They have stopped taking part in any manifestations since one of them got hit on the head with empty beer bottle during the demonstration against homophobia. Women who ceased open

public fight because it brought them no tangible effects. Women who decided to conduct a quiet and peaceful method of adapting their surrounding for the change of awareness and who manage to win this way.

Speeches and catchwords coming from the platform placed on a truck were actually secondary for me although this year unlike previously I would really sign myself under most of them. Cause slogans are slogans. Happenings like Manifa obviously flatten the reality and simplify expanded postulates into a few lines of a slogan which is easy to yell out in a short time. And not all of them make sense without the argumentation.

What was important for me was the fact that although we often disagree on certain points, and our consciousness or immunity to problems differ - all around the world we have same problems related to our gender. We happen to be raped, beaten, humiliated. We are the subject of jokes about blondes and stupid women (and although it may sound like an unimportant cliché - it is important and it does influence not only our self esteem but also a general world-view which was smartly described in the “World Without Women” by Polish feminist author Agnieszka Graff a dozen or so years ago). We are victims of violence about which we do not speak because of shame. We have no right to decide about our bodies and often also about our minds because we are forbidden the access to the possibilities of development. There are thousands of such issues and they appear with different intensities. They have different backgrounds and they influence our lives in multiple ways. They have

various courses and symptoms. But their root is always the same. We are categorized as women not people. And I can authenticate that with my direct observations and empirical experience - as a woman who happened to see quite a piece of this world.

Many women find problems described by feminists imaginary. Because they do not concern those particular women. They say that they have good lives and ask what is this hype all about? These very same women do not realize that without “all those feminists” they would be living in an entirely different world. And that without feminists their daughters whose needs are most probably going to differ from those of their mothers would be living in a world delayed towards themselves. They forget that to let other women also say “i have a good life” they need to act. Like it was described in a post from Dhaka “Violence against women”.

That is why I take part in Manifas. Not to think of what is separating us but of what is connecting us. About our gender, hormones, periods, clitoral and vaginal orgasms. About needs, aspirations, passions and problems. About dilemmas and bans. And I think that „nothing will

happen by itself – it needs to be done” – if we don’t take the responsibility for our own lives no else will (that was already described in the post from Dhaka “I see dead people all the time”).  I also think of the fact that to change anything – law, mentality, social relations or whatever else bothers us – we cannot act only as individuals. We have to support each other. If not in everything then at least in common points. Like during the dance which was a protest against the violence against women which we danced during Manifa (along with men) three times – and some were following the steps while others were dancing the way they felt. And I suspect that even among those dancers personal definitions of violence might have been different.

And so regardless the historical associations and its receipt in various circles I think of my favorite S Word – SOLIDARITY. Without the movement by this name we would live in Poland where discussing such topics wouldn’t be possible but still – it’s not the movement I think of but

the basic meaning of this word which is: union or fellowship arising from common responsibilities and interests, as between members of a group or between classes, peoples, etc. In this case solidarity would be a sisterhood – a fellowship based if not on fully common interests then at least on community of having a pussy instead of a cock. Because those “anatomical details” though hidden under our clothes in a social and cultural perspective play biggest possible roles…

So this year I went to manifest my, maybe naive, maybe idealistic belief in the fact that we – women – can speak with one voice defending what is important for all of us. Even if some matters do not hurt us individually (I did not dance against the violence towards women because I experienced it – I was dancing for those who couldn’t dance instead). To manifest

my solidarity with women and – yes that is important – also men who understand that after all woman is not an object but as a man – a subject.

And I will go again next year. Maybe if I am lucky enough I will not be alone like last year and not in the company of just one friend like this year but in a bigger group hopefully consisting of both sexes…

Aleksandra Peszkowska

Kids and why I don't like them

Children, they take over your whole world. Literally. They are everywhere. Until you have given birth to a child, you wouldn't really know how it is possible to lose complete control over your adult life to these tiny little beings who are so dependent on you. You can't ever appreciate what it feels like to be up all night, rocking a colicky kid back to sleep.

Nope, it's not possible to understand how your heart-strings are wrapped around little fingers that can pull, push, shove you into directions you never thought you would go to. That a hug can mean so much and a tear so much more. That a child in a park, calling out "ma" can make you turn around and look ... even though you know damn well that your own little one is not there with you. Not only do you become more protective of your own but you become protective of other's kids too. You look out for the little beings, alert even when you are asleep. A tiny rustle and you'll awake in a heart beat, fully alert to any need that may be expressed.

That's what becoming a parent does to you. And that's why I don't like kids. They worm their way into your heart and then stay there for the rest of their lives. They'll grab hold of you the day they are born and hold your heart in their chubby hands till the day you die. No matter how strong you are, you will cry over the things that hurt your child. You will find new strength and weaknesses and your whole being will get redefined. You might not even recognize yourself. You will find the normally coherent, intelligent, articulate you, making incoherent cooing sounds and talking in incomprehensible undecipherable languages.

Don't fight the process... I have found that it's quite useless to fight the inevitable.

I liked myself just fine back then before I had my kid. My money was my own, my time was my own, I slept whenever I wanted and as long as I wanted and ate whatever I fancied. I wasn't worrying about balanced diet, micro-nutrient, growth spurts, development milestones. I made more money then I could spend and I had all the time in the world for everything  that I wanted to do. My clothes were always clean, my hair was glossy and perfect, my house was picturesque and everything always remained where it was placed.

Let me be clear on something - I was never one of those women who felt that 2.5 kid and white picket fence was my destination in life. Nope. I dreamt of traveling down the amazon river, of living with a tribe of Mauri's in New Zealand or the Masai's in Kenya. I didn't dream of having kids and I certainly never liked them much. They are grubby, messy, loud little beings who always make their presence known and are usually hell-bent on getting what they want. I never wanted to sign up for having one of those little monsters that keep getting underfoot until you are so busy keeping yourself upright that you lose sight of everything else in life. I certainly didn't plan on having kids.

That is not until I thought I was in love with my ex-husband and found myself ecstatic to be having a baby with him. But wait... it didn't happen. Not the first time, not the 2nd or even the 4th time. He wasn't ready for the responsibility and I wasn't allowed to have control over my own fertility because birth control pills would make me fat, ruin my figure. So by the time my 5th pregnancy came around in as many years after marriage, I certainly wasn't rooting to have a kid. I wasn't looking forward to bearing the successor of the tribe I was married to and (back then had thought) would have to remain married to for the rest of my life.

But I had a child.

And he became my child.

Over the years, through all those sleepless nights, something happened. Something clicked and we were each others.

Now I am glad that I had my son. No matter how far apart we are. No matter how little we see of each other. We belong to each other, through the time and space continuum. We would forever belong to each other. He would always be my flesh & blood and I would always be his mom.

We might not always understand each other. It might take him decades to realize that I wasn't absent from his life by choice, that I didn't move out of his life because I treasured my own more. Someday when he has kids, I hope he'll understand and let his kids make the decisions that would be right for them, under those circumstances. I hope he'll understand that I love him so much that I would give my life for him. I hope he'll understand that loving him was my life. And giving in was as hard as draining every single drop of blood from myself.

And after that death, when the question of living, of carrying on came... I still thought of him. I am a warrior, I cannot give up, I cannot lose, I cannot lay down by the wayside and go to waste. What sort of example would that be to the little one whom I wish would have much more courage? How would that show him that life is for living? That every time life knocks you down, you just shake yourself up and get off your knees again? That life and living is much more than just passing days?

I am still searching, seeking meaning of a life that I am now bound to live for myself. Everyday I am free again, to design my own course, set my own destination. To journey to wherever my heart takes me, to achieve anything that I can dream of. But through out all these, I take him with me. I take the realization that no matter what.... we will always affect each others life. That it will never again be only me or only him, but forever 'us'.

Shayan & Me